


Thoughts Of The Executioner

by BrainAssault



Category: Creepypasta - Fandom
Genre: Alternate Universe - Prison, Angst, Based on my own headcanons, Disfigurement, Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, Eating Disorders, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Jeff and Jack has an unhealthy relationship, Jeffrey (finally) goes to jail where the pesky rat belongs, Love/Hate, Multi, Other, Past Child Abuse, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Rape/Non-con Elements, Self-Harm, Self-Mutilation, Sexual Harassment, Violence, selective mutism, vent - Freeform, vent fic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-20
Updated: 2020-10-26
Packaged: 2021-02-16 07:47:56
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 13
Words: 13,204
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21504364
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BrainAssault/pseuds/BrainAssault
Summary: It wasn't exactly what he had in mind.But that didn't matter anymore. Nothing did.It was over.It was finally over.---Thoughts Of The Executioner is based upon my own headcanons around Jeff and therefore this story will to a degree not match the original story.This story contains mature themes such as violence in many forms, non-con mentions and mentions of suicide and graphic self harm along with themes surrounding mental illnesses (with them reflecting upon a bad person).!Please stay safe and don't read if you're uncomfortable with such topics!
Relationships: Laughing Jack/Jeffrey Woods | Jeff The Killer
Comments: 21
Kudos: 77





	1. Over And Under

He had it coming, that was a fact.

But kneeling on the asphalt in the outskirts of the rather large town he had temporarily set himself in, bleeding with hands in the air wasn't quite what he expected. He had imagined it many times, the dramatic ending of the infamous Jeffrey Woods.  
He had imagined himself throwing a fit about it. But there he was, staring straight forward as his chest heaved up and down, filtrating the cold night air through his lungs with a rather tired look upon his sunken face. He was surprised he even made it this far in the first place.

With his first human victim at sixteen years old Jeffrey Woods had murdered one out of three teenage boys in a brutal, planned assault gone wrong. His family was soon to follow after weeks at the hospital after the attack, now leaving Jeff on the street as a serial killer on the run with a death count of thirteen confirmed kills. That was nearly two years ago, now soon to be nineteen years old and on the loose he had become emaciated, tired and diseased. The last months he had wondered if he'd even make it through the winter at all or if he'd simply collapse from frost bite one day for the world to celebrate his death. But no, life had other plans for him.

Putting his hands behind his head as gun carrying officers ran over, shouting orders at both him and each other that he in his hazed mind didn't even seem to registrer completely but yet managed to accomplish as if on auto-pilot. He didn't move like he expected himself to. A part of him wished for one of them to be dumb enough to put him down on the spot. A bullet in his head to let his brain splatter across the ground. It would've been the easy way out. Perhaps one of them could drop the leash of their dogs that had been barking and snarling at him? To let it devour him.  
His face met the ground and his arms were forced behind his back. Thats when it felt real. He looked back at the man cuffing him. The glare didn't seem to be much appreciated because the man glared back as if he were expecting him to get up and attempt to make a run for it. Had this happened earlier he would have. Soon he was pulled harshly to his feet and he was forced to stand. Not noticing until now just how much he had been shaking. He almost felt his legs give in as the officer hurriedly forced him towards the lit up vehicles parked a short distance away. Behind him another officer followed with the gun still loaded and pointed. God, how he had wished for her to shoot him right there and then. Spare themselves the hassle of even putting him in jail, what use would it serve? With everything he had caused, it would never be undone. But of course they wanted to take pride in his capture. Try to question him to break into his head. Of course they'd try to ask him why, But the truth was, he didn't know. Why did any of it happen? Why did he lose his mind? Was he ever sane in the first place?

Shoved into the back of the car he leaned his head back and shut his eyes for a moment, sinking into the seat with an empty pit in his stomach and a knot in his throat. Oddly enough he had remained quiet throughout the procedure. He never expected himself to. He was known for running his mouth, always snarling risky comments whenever he had the chance. Of course lately he hadn't had a whole lot of human contact except for the victims whose houses he had temporarily turned into his home and the women he had fucked and left to die when he had slit their throat in a cheap motel room. He'd hold their faces down into the mattress to keep their screaming on the low. Some had stopped moving before he had even finished. He left them there to decay. To rot away never to breathe again. Never to see the light of day.

Soon enough he'd be like them.  
With the streetlamps flashing by as the car moved he sunk deeper and deeper into himself.  
Behind bars he would finally be left there to decay, rotting away never to see the light of day again.

It wasn't exactly what he had in mind.  
But that didn't matter anymore. Nothing did.  
It was over.  
It was finally over.


	2. Sentence

“ Doctor Moore, you’ve handled Jeffrey Woods psychiatric assessment since his arrest, what have you concluded from your sessions with Mr. Woods? “

“ The defendant has refused to speak at all aside from showing aggressive behavior, that includes verbal and physical aggression towards prison staff, including guards and nurses. It is in my professional opinion that Mr. Woods is a threat to the general public as he has shown a great amount of aggressive behavior by will. “

Jeff glared down at the metal cuffs tightly secured around his thin wrists, hands rubbing together as the people around him discussed the severity of his crimes.  
Stealing, rape, first degree murder, assault.. He didn’t keep count. He didn’t seem to listen, or even move a muscle aside from the fumbling of his hands in his lap.

He didn’t look up until the Jury began to speak again after what felt like endless discussing he didn’t bother listening to, neck stiff from having it hung for so long. How long had the trial gone on for? An hour? Two? Five?  
He sunk into his seat, he had lost count of that too.

“ The members of the jury find the defendant guilty. “

“ I agree with the verdict. Not one, but thirteen victims has faced the fate you gave them, Mr. Woods. “ The judge filled in, his voice silencing the room, the people in it seemed to be holding their breath.

Jeff kept a cold look as he met the eyes of the judge for the first time since he was first shoved into the forsaken room.

This was it.

“ Due to the severity of the crimes, I hereby sentence Jeffrey Woods to death by lethal injection. “

The time seemed to stand still, yet he heard everything. The rustling and the talking behind him. Victims families. Parts of his own relatives that shamefully had to be related to him. The infamous Jeff the killer. People sobbing for loved ones lost by cold hands.

He took a deep breath, letting it out slowly through slightly parted lips.

“ You won’t gain anything.. “ He muttered under his breath, having remained quiet on the issue for the past month in holding, awaiting his trial. He could feel the spectators heads turning behind him, their eyes burning in the nape of his neck. “ What’s done is done. “

Despite his quiet manner he felt a burn in his chest, heart pounding and head aching. He wanted to run. Run until his legs would give in, till his lungs exploded and his veins burst from the rapid heartbeat. If he could he would’ve spit acid all over the spectators, to watch as their faces melted off and to hear their screams fill out the room to cover up his own.

He didn’t notice himself shaking until the guards that had earlier led him in grabbed his shoulder to lead him out. Out to spend the rest of his living days behind locked doors.

Before he exited the room he glanced to his side, scanning over the people who had been there to watch his downfall.

There, in the far back corner sat a young man with ginger hair and a scarf covering most of his face. The color of his hair made Jeff squint, but before he could get a better look he was shoved out of the door. It reminded him of someone, but he couldn’t pinpoint who.

He shrugged it off, he had a death sentence to carry out after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This scene is definitely not based upon Sally Face and countless of true crime Netflix series and YouTube videos of actual trials because I have no idea how it actually works, lol
> 
> Anyways I realize now how much of a vent fic this is gonna be in future chapters, oops.


	3. Selfish Antics

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter brings up the topic of self harm, be cautious and always stop reading in case the subject causes you discomfort.

“ Do you remember how you started hurting yourself? “ The doctor asked as he leaned back in the leather armchair, eyeing Jeff that was sat in front of him, hazily biting at the skin around his nails with his gaze faded away from reality.

The brown armchair squeaked as if the dead cow that the skin once belonged to bellowed in pain when he leaned against it.

Of course he remembered.

He had been on the track running team since the age of 11, since his parents had wanted him and his brother to do something athletic.  
It happened during a competition when he was thirteen. He had been the last to finish, again. The ride home had been quiet and he could sense the heavy cloud in the car, lingering over everyone’s heads like thunder before a storm until his father finally broke the silence. “ You know, if you’re not gonna put effort into this you might as well stop going at all. “ he had stated, making Jeff’s stomach twist at the passive aggressive tone. “ I’ll do better next time. “ He had mumbled back after a moment of silence, looking out the window.

It had almost gotten dark, but in the yellow shine from the houses that passed by parents were cooking dinner, kids did their homework or watched TV, dogs were running around in the yard.

Jeff leaned his head against the cold window, sighing softly.

“ Your father is right, we only want what is best for you. Where will you end up if you don’t start putting effort into things, Jeff? “ His mother peaked in, her voice smoother than his fathers but just as toxic. “ I know, I’m sorry. “

That night he punched himself. Over and over and over until there was a bruise on his upper thigh, that had been the first time.

But instead of telling the therapist about that Jeff looked past him, out the window behind the squeaky dead cow chair. He pressed his arms into his sides, made himself small in the seat and lowered his hands into his lap slowly to stop the anxious biting.

The silence broke again by Logan Moore sighing, leaning forward again to catch Jeff’s attention before he spoke, “ Could you tell me about it, please? I want to understand you, to help you deal with this aggression. “

The killer looked at him, no - through him, then away again, this time at the clock. 11:45am, the session would be over in fifteen minutes. He eventually turned his gaze to the window again, letting the time pass without uttering single a word to the doctor, not even making an expression.

Fifteen minutes can pass fast if you knew where to focus, because soon Dr. Moore stood up with a frown, putting his notebook on the table that separated them, revealing yet another empty page aside from, “ Session 8. Jeffrey continues to remain silent and calm. Refuses to speak even when asked questions. Does not make eye contact yet. Unfocused. Continues to pick and bite at his skin. “ Written in the top left corner. A bitterness in his voice as he gently informed that the session was over and that he’d see him tomorrow.

Jeff wanted to tear that page out, crumble it together into nothing. He hated that book because he knew that anything could wind up in the fucking thing that could prove just how mentally unstable he really was. But he didn’t get a chance to rip the pages out one by one, because soon another man stepped into the room to lead him out. Having those guards follow him around made him question whether or not they were there for his sake or for everyone else. At least they had stopped trying to strike a conversation, he hadn’t spoken since the day of the trial. It had been two weeks since then.

He didn’t feel the need to, so he didn’t. They could ask their questions, he’d be safer keeping his answers to himself.

He knew sooner or later it would come though.


	4. Familiar Stranger

Jail wasn’t at all what he expected.

He was surprised he was left alone at all despite his reputation.  
The guards didn’t seem to mind him as he sat quiet in the common area.  
Most inmates had activities to attend to, some played board games, chatted, exercised or played around. Others worked, studied or attended courses to keep themselves occupied.

Jeff did nothing.

He stared at the others, biting tiredly at his cuticles out of the bad habit. Nails cut short on the orders of his psychiatrist.  
He didn’t get it, if they were supposed to kill him then why couldn’t he hurt himself? Why protect him while plotting his execution?

He shut his eyes, letting his hands back down on his lap. He hadn’t slept well ever since he got here. It had been three months.

Keeping his eyes shut he didn’t notice a man approaching him until he felt a firm hand on his shoulder with nails digging into his skin, causing him to defensively jolt back to reality, eyes snapping open to look up at the man that had approached him, now refusing to let go of his shoulder.

“ Skittish one, are ‘ye? “ The laughter the man made rang through him like needles prickling his skin.

The man before him was unmistakably a well known serial killer as well. Jack Grossman, also known as Laughing Jack. The monochromic killer clown that had terrorized cities long before Jeff had, mostly targeting kids.

He was tall with sharp features and a long, crooked nose. He was different without the makeup and the costume he was famous for.

Jeff didn’t say anything.  
By now it felt like he had forgotten how to speak because the cranky remark he wanted to make got stuck in his throat, leaving adrenaline in his chest instead.

“ So the rumors are true, aye? You don’t speak. “ Again, Jeff just stared up at him, jaw clenched to not give him any emotion but a glare.  
Jeff knew how to fight, but this guy was significantly taller and looked far stronger, on top of that the killer clown had experience. “ What a shame.. “ The hand on Jeff’s shoulder trailed upwards, sneaking underneath his hair to grab the side of his throat, just underneath his jaw. “ We could’a become great friends. “ As Jack finished the sentence Jeff grabbed his wrist and stood up hastily, pushing him back with as much force as he could. The guards were looking up now, the other inmates were turning heads.

Jack backed up, holding his hands in the air with a wide grin on his face but with eyes holding on to an equal amount of murder as Jeff’s did. “ No? Okay. Suit ‘yerself. “ Jacks grin widened as he turned his heel and left the table, left Jeff full of adrenaline.

Jeff grit his teeth. Sinking back down on his seat to give the room a sharp glare till the inmates turned their heads back again to mind their own business.

Jack didn’t try to talk to him after that but he seemed to constantly be around, giving him looks or simply staying close. Jack seemed to always be surrounded by others as well, he assumed that they thought they’d be safe behind a strong leader. A respected man. A serial killer.

Jeff tried to not mind the killer clowns presence or the fact that he seemed to constantly have his attention.  
It would be a lie to say that the shadow like presence didn’t upset him though, despite his attempts to normalize it.

And it went on for so long.  
The days that turned to weeks. Weeks turned to long, torturous months went on making him wonder just how many years he’d have to drag behind him before finally receiving his execution.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Introducing a major character! How wonderful.
> 
> Also I have very little experience with how prisons AcTuAlLy works but I’m trying to do as much research as I can, I’m also mixing up a lot of different countries and states way to do things as prison rules and schedules are often very individual.


	5. Theory

“ I have a theory, “ Dr. Moore stated as Jeff was guided to sit on his usual chair in the room. Already he felt the need to distance himself, he didn’t want to hear about the doctors theory. He could keep it to himself, but of course he didn’t.

“ I don’t know why you’re so quiet, when we first talked you were spitting insults straight to my face as if there were no consequences. It must be very strenuous.. “ Dr. Moore trailed off, leaning forward a bit to take a closer look at Jeff that lowered his chin to his chest to let his hair fall into his face.

“ You must be terrified. You shut yourself in to protect yourself in an environment you can’t control. Everything you do here is scheduled, watched and controlled by others. “ Jeff pressed his arms to his sides again as he said that, looking down into his lap to avoid the scanning eyes of the psychiatrist. “ Sometimes when we’re stuck in a situation we can’t control we often do things, often very tough and exhausting things to feel like we have at least a little bit of control. “ the doctor sighed before he continued to speak, “ You’ve lived your life in chaos up to this point. “

Jeff wanted to stop listening there, to not let it get under his skin but he couldn’t.

“ Are you scared, Jeffrey? Scared to lose the control you thought you had? “

He don’t know for how long he sat quiet after that, picking at the little seams of the white jumpsuit he wore.  
White. The color that so deliciously represented purity, innocence, cleanliness, hope and ironically enough – death row inmates.

Eventually Logan Moore stood, placing the notebook on the table between them like he always did when the session was over. “ You know.. you’d have so much more control if you just spoke to me. “ He said quietly as Jeff felt the familiar guard grip on his shoulder, giving him the cue to stand. Jeff eyed the doctor before he left, but this time his gaze seemed less empty than before.


	6. You’re going down

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Based off of the song “ You’re going down “ by the band “ Sick puppies “

The lunch room always reminded him of school, shakily holding onto a tray of tasteless food that would make anyone lose their appetite while awkwardly looking for a place to sit among groups of people that already seemed to have things under control.

He always seemed to find this empty corner though, as if the others left it specifically to let him sit there. Today he sat down with his back towards everyone else, facing the wall with the small, barred window. He couldn’t see much out of it, but it was a glimpse of the outside world anyways.

He looked down at the food on his plate. Lasagna, a small salad and an apple. It could’ve been worse, perhaps it could’ve been better if the surroundings wasn’t what it was.

A loud room filled with men with the urge to hurt, suited up guards that could beat one up for making a wrong move and the weaker flock of sheep that cried like wolves in the night but for all the wrong reasons.

Jeff picked at the food a bit with the plastic fork he was given for each meal, squishing the lasagna with it with a dissatisfied look.  
The satisfaction didn’t exactly grow as another figure graced his back with long fingers, causing him to shudder and jerk his head back to meet the familiar stranger.

Jack. Jack and two other men.  
Jeff’s eyes narrowed, glaring up at him. What the fuck did this dimwit want?

“ Oh, woah mate! You look more like a person than the last time I saw ya up close! “ Jack exclaimed loud and happily, eyeing Jeff that glared back. Oh, if looks could kill.

Jack squeezed his shoulder, “ Gaining some weight really suits ye’, more to look at, more to grab. “ The comment made his stomach turn. But he was correct, while he was still on the lean side he had gained weight with the help of the doctor that had treated his face when he first came in. His sunken body had become more full of life, matted hair got revived and cracked nails got nurtured.

But that healthy weight turned heavy as Jack rubbed his shoulder, giving it a squeeze with a hungry look.

“ Come on! That silence of his is a bit disappointing. Make the mutey speak! “ One of the guys peaked in. He had brown, curly hair and a nasty looking scar on the side of his face. As he spoke his hands twitched a bit, a behavior he quickly tried to hide by pressing his hands to his outer thighs.

Jeff glanced to his side to avoid his tormentor, eyeing the guards in the room who didn’t seem to mind the so called friendly chat going on. With Jack leaving the firm grip on his shoulder to slide his hand down to his lower back, leaning down to match Jeff’s sitting height Jeff was starting to feel the pressure. Jack’s hand resting uncomfortably above his ass. He couldn’t breathe.

“ Ahw, come on, Sweetie! Can’t ye at least face whoever is speaking to ya? “

That was it.

The nickname and the radioactive like touch set off his fight or flight system, causing him to jerk up from his seat, ready to break the clowns nose. There’s no consequences in a daydream of violence.

Knuckles hit a sharp jaw, a blow that would surely bruise them both. But before Jeff could hit him again he was grabbed by the hair and slammed headfirst into the table, onto the tray of food by the second guy of Jack’s companionship, a tired looking man with brown hair and sideburns he had seen outside smoking a couple of times.

The shouting of inmates and officers blurred for a moment. All he could do was lay still as the world moved on around him. He didn’t look up before he felt the harsh tug of his arms being pulled back and cuffed. Being jerked up into a standing position made him see stars, a trickle of blood running down from his nose, ruining the purity of the white inmate jumpsuit that had now already been stained with the food he had been jammed into.

He glared up at Jack that too had been pushed out of the way, now carrying a large grin on his face as his icy eyes stared down at Jeff that got dragged out of the lunch room, his wrists being held in a painful angle that snapped him out of his dizzy state as he was dragged out the corridor.

It happened too fast. He wanted to shout at him but only a passive aggressive, half assed chuckle left him.  
It was the first time he had smiled in months.  
It was the first time he had truly felt something in months.


	7. Broken bones break no cycle of violence

Jeff grunted as the nurse gently dabbed the blood away from his face, having just manually realigned his nose bridge the nurse had decided to keep him in cuffs to avoid any potential attacks. So there he was, with furrowed eyebrows he looked up at the ceiling from the restraint gurney. His head hurt and a bruise was forming over his pale face from the hit.

“ How’s he holding up? “ Dr. Moore’s voice suddenly appeared in the doorway, making Jeff turn his head tiredly, giving him a cold glare. Great, a surprise therapy visit.

“ A concussion and a broken nose. He’ll be fine with some rest and some pain killers. “ The nurse said simply, straightening up to face the psychiatrist before turning her heel to clean up the bloody tissues.

Logan sighed, sitting down beside his patient with a frown, inspecting the killers face. “ Did they hurt you? “ Jeff just shook his head at the question, turning it to face the other way. “ Seriously, what happened, Jeffrey? “ God, he was sounding like his mother.

Silence overtook the room and Jeff shut his eyes tiredly. He’d give anything to be left alone.

“ I’m not sure why I expected you to answer that.. You’re a bit of a hopeless case when it comes to talking.. “ Logan muttered, about to get up when Jeff’s croaky, tired voice broke the short moment of silence. “ Why do you care? “ He questioned. Despite his attempt to sound aggressive his voice was low, shaky. Pathetic. It surprised the both of them, a wave of instant regret washing over him as he felt Logan’s presence coming closer again. “ You’re my patient, of course I care. “ he said it as if Jeff hadn’t been dead quiet for several months.

Jeff scoffed, suddenly feeling more than just tired. He felt drained. “ And I’m just.. that.. “ He spoke slowly, barely audible as he mumbled the words. He had almost forgotten what he sounded like, now he wished he hadn’t reminded himself.

Logan opened his mouth to give a thoughtful reply, but was instantly cut off by the nurse entering the room. “ I’ll give you some light pain killers, “ She started, putting a plastic cup of water and two painkillers on the table beside the bed then very carefully undid the cuff binding his right arm to the gurney, as if he would sit up in an instant to choke the life out of her. “ He needs to stay here for a couple of hours protection and rest, just to make sure there is no vomiting or fainting. “ She filled in, turning to Logan as if his psychiatrist was his dad.

Jeff grunted irritatedly, sitting up slowly to take the pills. His head was indeed pounding.

Logan gave a small nod as the nurse walked back to the next room, disappearing out the door. Jeff sighed wearily, leaning over to lean his head in his hand. “ You know, another fight might have you end up in solitary, you don’t want it and you don’t need it. Take it as you will.. “ Jeff glared at him as he spoke, giving an aggressive scoff. Perhaps he’d prefer it to being touched one more time by the fucking sleaze. “ If he touches me again I’ll make you wish the officers shot me in my fucking head instead of arresting me. “ He sneered, and despite his broken voice it came out smoothly.

He didn’t want to talk anymore after that. After swallowing his pills he laid down, proceeding with his staring contest with the ceiling.

Logan sighed, nodding to himself. “ Behave or I’ll write you up. “ The doctor stood, starting to make his way out of the room. “ I need to get back to my duties but I’ll see you soon, as always. “ 

Within seconds the room was quiet, aside from the noise of a ticking clock across the room it was so so still it was almost deafening. He glanced to his side, a small steel cart was sat a few steps from his bed, on it was a small scissor that the nurse had used earlier to cut some surgical tape with, it gave a pleasant shine under the fluorescent lights. He raised an eyebrow, reaching out with his free hand.

Of course it was out of reach, so close yet so far.

Grunting he brought his foot up, reaching out in an attempt to hook it with his toes.

Despite the awkward position it worked, and he brought it closer with a look of satisfaction as he managed to grab a hold of the sharp tool, kicking the trolley back again to its previous position. He smiled to himself, sliding the scissor up his sleeve before laying back like nothing had happened, a pulse of violent excitement shivering through him as he felt the cold blades lay snug against his skin.

His sentence couldn’t exactly get any worse, but it could get more exciting.


	8. Inside out

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Based on the song “ Inside out “ by the band “ Five finger death punch “
> 
> There’s a quick, non detailed description of animal abuse/animal killing in this chapter. Stay safe everyone and don’t read if it makes you feel uncomfortable!

” Ah, Woods! Welcome in. “ Doctor Moore smiled as Jeff was guided in as per usual in the well lit room and sat on the leather armchair in front of the table that separated them. The psychiatrist sat down heavily on the other leather chair, that once again squeaked like it had done every other time Jeff had been stuck in this room with him.

He set his notebook in his lap, leaning forward. “ You got quite a nasty bruise, how are you? “

Jeff just nodded. He felt okay. As okay as one could feel being locked up 20 hours a day with a broken nose and a restless mind.  
Perhaps he had lost the will to live, perhaps he had gained it in some spiteful way.

He leaned back in the chair, fingers fiddling together as he felt his psychiatrists eyes upon him. “ Will you tell me about the fight, please? “ Logan looked hopeful, excited to hear the inmate talk.

Jeff’s fiddling stopped, and as his eyes left the ground to give Logan a spiteful glare he shook his head. “ No. “ He whispered, his voice as raspy as it had been the first time he spoke. Having given his denial Jeff turned his head away as Logan put a few scribbles down in his notebook. “ You’re doing well, Jeffrey. Keep talking. “

The encouragement made the killer scoff, shaking his head. “ Why? Why do you want me to fucking.. talk? What use does my words serve to you.. Doctor? “ Jeff suddenly spat out, his eyes glowing up as he spoke. The psychiatrist lit up too, recognizing the behavior he had first seen in his patient many months ago.

“ Well, it helps me put out a psychiatric evaluation for y- “ He was cut off by Jeff’s angry sneering once again, “ oh, I thought we had already made that clear! Jeffrey Woods, the obvious threat to society! Let’s put him down! “ The sound of tugging of his cuffs could be heard as his nails forcefully began to scratch at his wrist underneath his sleeve, his shoulders hunching up as he leaned over the table.

“ What if I told you there are worse things than me out there? Like the fucking government to start with! You all.. You all deserve to FUCKING DIE! “ Jeff was practically yelling at this point, as loud as his raspy, broken voice could carry him, alerting the guard outside the open door.

Logan Moore however hadn’t even flinched, but instead looked unbothered as the authority pushed the inmate back in his chair.

“ Calm down, Woods, or you might earn your spot in the psychiatric block, or perhaps you’re still interested in isolation? “ He spoke calmly, watching Jeff sink back into his seat, hiding his nervous hands between his knees.

“ You speak of killing upper authorities, is this a new feeling to you? Something that perhaps developed during your stay here? “

Jeff took a deep breath, his hands balling up into fists. “ You ask these questions as if they aren’t obvious.. “ He muttered, back to the low and tired mumble. “ Obvious? Explain. “

Jeff leaned back in the armchair, letting his head tilt back to look at the ceiling. “ You’re right.. My life has always been out of my control. But with every time my mother slapped me or when my so well respected father screamed in my face, every name, every punch in the corridor, every teachers side glare.. Every corrupt police investigation.. “ He trailed off, sitting up straight to look the doctor in the eyes again. “ With every fucking life taken.. I gained my life back, bit by bit. “ The killer smiled. “ I made the unfair fair. “

Logan nodded, tapping his pen to his lower lip as he crossed his legs. “ So you believe the world is corrupt? Care to tell me your story from the beginning? From your point of view. “

“ Why does my point of view matter at this point! You’ve already set my execution date, haven’t you? So when is it, doctor? Next month? Three years? How long do I have to fucking wait to get out of this hellhole?! “ Jeff sneered back, clearly agitated again as he began to shift in his seat. Eyes digging deep into the psychiatrist.

“ Your execution date is not yet decided, Jeffrey. For all we know you can be stuck here for several years more, that is a sentence you brought upon yourself. “ Logan straightened up, not to be intimidated by the cuffed mans glare. He breathed out slowly before continuing to speak, “ So, will you tell me? What set off these violent thoughts? “

“ .. A fucking cat. It had been hit by a car or something, laying lame on the side of the road. With every breath it wheezed, I’m sure it had already accepted the fact that it was going to die. “ Jeff replied, looking out the window again to avoid the doctors eyes. “ I hit it with a shovel till it stopped moving. I bet most would’ve done the same. “

“ Killing animals is a strong trait among serial killers and people with a lower sense of sympathy, did it happen multiple times? “

Jeff nodded, watching in the corner of his eyes how the doctor started scribbling in his notebook. He hoped he’d be able to burn the fucking thing before his execution.

“ I guess I just never saw the difference between life and death. It was intriguing, watching neighborhood cats squirm as I broke their limbs.. Or how hurt birds would go into shock when I cut their wings off. “ Jeff shifted a bit, digging his short nails into his arm again.

“ I just.. I don’t think I’m to blame. Everyone I’ve met up to this day fucked me up, they deserved to die!“

Logan shook his head, leaning forward in his chair. “ Even your family? “

Jeff looked unsure for a moment, his eyes darting around the room as if they could possibly find an escape.  
His body tensed and he made himself small in his chair again.

“ .. Mom and dad at least. “ He started, “ Liu was.. Liu was a good kid, Damn it. I admit I killed him just because he didn’t deserve what hell he otherwise would’ve woken up to. “

Logan nodded, giving the clock on the wall a look before nodding again, standing up. 

“ Thank you, Jeffrey for giving me some insight. I’m afraid our session is over, but I’ll see you at the end of the week as usual. “

Jeff stood, trailing out the door without a word of goodbye.  
Once again he left the room with a knot in his stomach and a tight feeling in his throat.

He left the room with the image of his bleeding brother burned into his memory. An image that wouldn’t disappear no matter how much he wanted to tear his thoughts off of it.

He hated that image. He hated himself.

Death was going to be a relief.


	9. Meet me in this broken place

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter somewhat loosely based off the song “Without you” by Ashes Remain.

“ Jeffrey! There you are! “

Jeff lifted his head from the puzzle in front of him to look up at his psychiatrist that hurriedly entered the common area.

“ Where else would I be? “ Jeff replied, confusedly watching Logan lean over the table in front of him. The daily activity hour was mandatory unless you’d want to sit in your cell throughout the entire day, something the killer wasn’t all too excited about even if the common room tended to be loud and messy.

“ I want to see you in my office, is that okay? I have some.. information. “

Jeff looked at him, raising a scarred eyebrow. “ About what? “

Logan didn’t answer the question, instead he straightened up, nodding towards the exit of the room. “ My office, now. “ His voice was stern, as if he was talking to a particularly disobedient teenager.

Jeff sighed quietly, leaving his seat to follow the psychiatrist. As they entered the office Jeff sloped down in his chair. It wasn’t therapy day today, so being back in the room off schedule felt off putting.  
He looked down at his pale hands in his lap, avoiding the doctors eyes as he sat down in front of him like he always did.

“ I have some.. Heavy news. “ Logan started, eyeing the killer to read his reaction. “ I had to pull some strings for this to happen, it’s about your brother. “

The mention finally made Jeff snap his attention to the other man, his shoulders hunching up a bit. “ What about him? “ His voice was harsh, aggression lurking under the surface of his words.

“ Your brother is alive and has been staying under protection during your free years. “ Logan started, watching Jeff’s body tense up in the chair in front of him. He didn’t say a word, so the psychiatrist continued speaking, “ He has agreed to see you. It’s a short notice but if you’re ready tomorrow then- “

He was cut off by Jeff bursting out laughing, a loud but heartbroken, nervous laugh.

“ Jeffrey this- “

And just as quickly as if started Jeff stopped laughing and instead stared the doctor down with a spiteful look.

“ Do you SERIOUSLY expect me to believe that Liu Woods, my brother who I stabbed in the shoulder before carving up his face and then proceeded to stab several times in the back IS ALIVE?! “ Jeff hissed.

“ Jeffrey listen to me- “ Logan tried again, but was immediately shut down by the killer again as Jeff slammed his fist into the table between them, murder in his eyes.

“ No YOU listen! You might have some sort of authority in this place but I see through your textbook lies, Doctor. Liu Woods is DEAD, I personally watched the life leave his eyes as he bled out on the hallway floor. I held the fucking boy until he stopped resisting death. “ Jeff sneered aggressively. But he was starting to feel insecure.

Was his brother alive?

“ Back in your seat, inmate. This is your last warning before you wind up in the SHU, Woods. “

The warning made Jeff stop his ranting and slowly lean back in his chair again, but the sour expression didn’t leave his face. At least he was quiet this time.

Logan took a deep breath, returning to his peaceful manner again. “ Liu Woods is very much alive, they call him a miracle. “ He started, watching Jeff cross his arms to shut himself in. “ He has agreed to see you tomorrow at three in the afternoon, do you think you can handle that? “

Jeff sat still for a moment, letting an awkward silence fill the room before he nodded slowly.

“ Good. I know it’s a short notice but I guess it’s better than keeping you waiting. “

Jeff bit his lip, staring off in the distance. “ I want to leave now. “ His voice embarrassingly enough quivered, feeling as if he was floating as he stood up. He didn’t let Logan reply, he exited the room himself and went straight back to his cell where he could be alone for just a little while.

Fuck.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don’t forget to subscribe to get an email notification every time I post a new chapter!


	10. Amends To The Dead

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is based on the song “ The noose “ by A perfect circle.
> 
> WARNING: The end of this chapter contains themes of self harm. Don’t read if this could potentially trigger any self destructive behavior or if it makes you uncomfortable.

The lunch tray in his hands were heavier than usual as Jeff timidly put it down on the corner table as he did day in, day out.

He didn’t sit with his back towards everyone anymore, not since the encounter with Jack and his friends, Toby and Tim as he had learned their names to be.

He’d prefer to keep watch.

He hadn’t slept and his stomach was twisted in knots, the sandwiches on the plate seemed more like a chore than a necessity. He didn’t want to touch it. The bread looked like it would be hard to chew, as if he took a bite the soft sponge would swell up in his throat and choke him to death. He ran a finger over the leathery surface of the orange on the side of the tray, but the smell of citrus had already become overwhelming in the room, but not quite as overwhelming as the noise had become.

12:44. Two hours and 16 minutes left.

He got up again, grabbing the tray and with determined steps he walked towards the trash can, dumping the content of the tray just like he had with his breakfast.  
He couldn’t bring himself to eat it.

But hunger wasn’t anything new to him, except this time the empty clawing at his guts felt more calming than deadly. It grounded him.

The hours went by agonizingly slow. The clock ticking closer to a meeting with a ghost.

But when Jeff was finally lead into the room he was cuffed, and he could feel the eyes of the multiple guards in the room burning into him, leaving invisible imprints on him, on his neck, his back, his sides, his chest.

But nothing burned his insides as much as the ginger-headed man at the table.

And oh, Liu Woods sure was a ghost.

Liu was taller than Jeff, skinny in a just barely healthy way with wide green eyes that truly looked like they had seen hell. Tired, dull and sunken. They weren’t the same eyes that Jeff had seen three years ago. One could tell he had been crying.

Similar to Jeff’s hands Liu’s nails were brittle from being chewed on and his cuticles were ragged, some fingers were even bloody.

Jeff couldn’t help but think that they we’re so alike, even now.

Liu also seemed to hold an expression of grief on his face as the killer was marched forward through the room and strapped on the chair in front of him.

Jeff couldn’t tear his eyes off of him, the air in his lungs swirled but couldn’t find it’s way out. 

In his mind he was floating. He was upside down, sideways, inside out.

Spiders crawled inside his veins, clogging them up with silky webs and soon he’d explode in front of everyone. They’d escape his rotting body to crawl into everyone else, corrupt them and give them the same necrosis.

“ Jeff. “

His brothers careful voice broke the void that swallowed him.  
Suddenly he was grounded again, he was no longer floating in the ceiling.

But he couldn’t reply, because the words were stuck in his throat again, perhaps they were caught in the spiderwebs.

You’re alive, he’d say.  
You’re covered in scars, he’d say.

“ Jeff.. “

He was floating again, but this time the spiders came crawling out his eyes in the form of tears. It started as one, then came another. And another. Trickling down his cheeks with long strides, getting caught in purple scars littering his cheeks.

He wanted to reach out, to touch him.

Finally, the words seemed to form automatically as he forced them up with a raspy voice, “ So glad to see you well.. “ Jeff whispered, shaky from further forcing back suppressed emotions. He followed the patterns of his brothers face, mirrored to his own.

He had ragged scars forming from the corners of his lips going in all directions as Jeff had struggled to keep his knife straight while Liu had screamed, kicked and punched to tear his brother off of him. That was further proved by the scar running across his face, from his left cheek, across the bridge of his nose and finally slitting his right eyebrow, having miraculously missed his eye by the bump of the cheekbone.

Liu noticed the scanning gaze of his brother and instinctively turned his head to the side, avoiding Jeff’s eyes in a similar way Jeff himself did.

“ Yeah, I woke up.. But I wish I hadn’t. “ Liu’s voice was cold, and a moment passed before he finally managed to turn his face towards his brother again. “ So glad to see you where you belong. “ The spite in Liu’s careful character didn’t suit him, but he had the right to be angry. “ .. Finally. “

“ What? “ Jeff sounded surprised, wiping his damp cheek on his shoulder. “ I understand if you’re angry with me but-.. “ Jeff was cut off by Liu leaning closer. “ Don’t tell me you really expected me to come here to forgive you? To tell you how thankful I am for having you as my brother? “ Liu started, watching as Jeff leaned back in the restraint chair and made himself small.

“ No, well.. “

“ I don’t sleep, Jeff. It took me months before I could bear to hear your name again! “ Liu was even more visibly upset now, he really had a way of carrying his emotions in his pale, freckled face. “ I just don’t understand why you’d do something like.. this. “

“ I wasn’t..- I didn’t..“ Jeff trailed off, the words getting stuck in his throat again. He glanced around the room nervously, trying to find the air to breathe.

“ I didn’t want to kill you, but I felt like I had to. “ Jeff’s voice was dispirited. Brittle.

“ Well lucky me! Thank you! You really are a failure! “ Liu’s sarcastic tone followed. It wasn’t like him.  
Liu had always been the calm one. The one who rarely cussed, always spoke with an indoor voice and always addressed with respect.

The brother in front of him was no longer his.

Because this Liu was hardened. This Liu had been snapped and bent into many small pieces just to be glued back together with many missing parts. 

This Liu wasn’t ever going to give him a genuine smile again.

However as soon as the aggressive remark had left him Liu started biting on his fingernails again, facing away from his brother.

“ You’re scared of me. “ Jeff stated quietly, inspecting his brothers anxious behavior.

“ Of course I’m fucking scared of you, what did you expect? “ Liu sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. “ I trusted you and you nearly got me killed. “ He filled in. “ I don’t know why I came here.. “

Jeff shifted in his seat, however still unable to move much due to the hard restrains.  
There was a knot in his throat.

“ I fucked up.. “

“ That’s all you’re gonna say? “ His brothers voice was calmer now, shaky even. He was pushing back tears again, they both were.

“ They’re dead, Jeff! They’re dead because of you! “  
Jeff could feel the tears on his cheeks again. The spider venom coursed through his veins and it made him high again.

“ ..You can’t fix that, they’re dead Jeff. They were our fucking parents! No matter how much you hated them, they were our fucking parents! “

Had Liu been talking all this time?

Jeff looked around the room, his gaze distant.  
The clock was so loud. The sound of the guards in the back of the room shifting in their place felt like a scraping noise.

Fuck.

“ I can’t make it up to the dead, just as little as they can do anything for me. “ Jeff mumbled, looking at the officer that had led him in to the room in the first place. ” I’m on death row, Liu. What else do you want? A public apology? This is it. I think they call it fate. “ Jeff bit the inside of his cheek, nodding the guard over to signal he wanted to leave. He had to get out of there. Fast.

“ Fuck you, Jeff! “ Liu spat back as the guards began to unstrap him from the chair, ready to lead him back to his cell. “ You’re just gonna leave like that? Fuck you! “ Green eyes pooled with tears that would soon sting the cheeks that so many times before had been cried sore.

Jeff smiled a little, standing up. “ This isn’t the last time that you’ll see me and you know that. “

With that being said he left.

But he was starting to come apart, leaving pieces of himself that would fall to the ground and shatter as it met the linoleum floor of the prison.

He had to focus on his breathing. He wanted to scream.

He was under water. No, he was in the sky. Space. 

He was back in his cell.  
Alone.

The door shut behind him and the world became quiet.

He took a deep, shaky breath and held it but it didn’t stop the panic rising in his guts.

The spiders crawled again, or perhaps it was their venom that overflowed and ran down his cheeks. It didn’t take long till a sob shakily left his throat and he slowly sank to the floor, leaning his back against the dirty bed in the gray scaled room.  
Weeping gasps broke the silence and soon they were uncontrolled.

He was angry. Hurt.  
The consequences of his own actions had finally squeezed the feelings out of him that he had suppressed for so long.

But as the tears started to die down and exhaust took over Jeff slid his hand underneath his mattress and inserted two fingers into a sliced up hole in it.

There. The metal felt cool against his fingers as he pulled the tool out, It felt heavy in his hand. He shut his eyes.

It had been so long.

Pulling the sleeve of his jumpsuit up he pressed the blade of the stolen scissors into his wrist, a rush of relief washing over him as he dragged them across his arms. Once, twice, thrice... seven times.. sixteen times.

When he opened his eyes again the blood was trickling and he smiled, watching it drip from his wrist to the floor.  
Dropping the scissors he pressed his hand to the cuts that now covered countless of other scars, this wasn’t anything new to him.

Time didn’t exist in this room. The ocean couldn’t reach him here and the sky was nowhere to be seen.

He could breathe.

He put his bloodied fingers in his mouth, the taste of dirty pennies filling his mouth. It reminded him of the scars run into his pale skin. The stinging in his arms didn’t hurt compared to those scars.

He shut his eyes again, leaning his head back on his bed with a tired expression.

He was tired.  
So fucking tired.


	11. Wire Dreams And Shame

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: this chapter has some mentions of self harm and suicide!  
> Again, don’t read if it makes you uncomfortable! Take care!

Looking up at the darkened sky around him Jeff smiled. The stars were bright. They were close.  
He blinked and raised his hand, he could almost reach them through the barbed wire covering him, wrapping around him like painful restraints making his ankles and wrists bleed, cutting into his chest and thighs. He took a deep breath, inhaled the world around him.

The wire slithered around his neck now. Soon the wishful night would end in decapitation.

He shut his eyes.

“ Are you really gonna let them kill you, Jeffrey? “

“ I thought you were better than this.. You must be better than this. “

” DO IT YOURSELF! “

“ Go deeper! Deeper.. “

Deeper...

He didn’t recognize the voices but they felt very close to him. They had always been with him, always guided him to tell him what to do. Vile, sharp and hurtful voices.

He opened his eyes again, but the stars were gone and the barbed wire had slithered into the ground like vicious roots, digging into his skin. Holding him down.

Above him were the rotting faces of his parents. He flinched, trying to turn his face away from the foul smell ruining the bittersweet scent of freshly cut grass and peaceful, moonlit air.  
But he couldn’t.

The wires wrapped around his face, dug into his eye leaving him half blind and grunting in pain.  
They forced his other eye wide open, forced to watch as his father forced rotting fingers into his mouth, bending his jaw open.

Jeff couldn’t bite him, no matter the taste of his rotting flesh lingering on his tastebuds making him want to gag.

His mother leaned forward, gently running her bony fingers over his face, traced his features, caressing his cheeks.

She almost looked motherly again. Until..

She opened her mouth and Jeff whimpered pathetically as maggots, blood and bile spewed out of her mouth and into his. Filling him to the brim with decay.

He gagged. He couldn’t breathe. Couldn’t move.

His fingers dug into the wet cold earth.

His fingers dug into coarse white sheets.

He sat up quickly, air filling his aching lungs as the dimly lit gray room filled his vision.

He coughed, running his hands over his face to remove his hair that stuck to his sweaty skin before throwing the thin blanket off of him and to the floor.

Figuring he must’ve fallen asleep he breathed out slowly, landing back in reality before throwing himself out of bed and stumbled like a zombie to the small sink in the corner of his cell, rinsing his face with the cold tap water.

“ Fuck me.. “ He muttered, rolling up his sleeve to the source of the physical stinging that had been nagging him. “ Pathetic. “ Jeff tiredly grumbled to himself, shoving his arm under the cold water, he let it numb him for a moment.

Staring as the clear water washed away dry blood from his hands and arms felt comforting, even though it usually wasn’t his own. With the blood swirling down the drain he lost himself in the stream, finding himself in the memory of his mothers touch made him want to disappear down the drain as well.

He should’ve gotten it over with while at it.

Hearing a loud buzz Jeff shut the water off, pulling his sleeve down to hide the damage from the world.

What time was it?

His cell door opened and he tiredly looked up at a guard that looked almost just as tired.

“ Dinner, inmate. “

He must’ve only slept for two hours, despite feeling like an eternity had passed, or well, at least an entire night.

Jeff nodded, holding his hands to his sides as he trailed out of the cell in a line along with the countless other animalistic excuses of men, all keeping their distance from one another as armed guards followed closely behind.

It was tough to move forward, as if the barbed wire still held him in place, held him prisoner in his dreams, away from the prison in reality.

Everyone was a zombie here.

He grabbed the tray given to him and sat down, scanning over its contents.

Some sort of murky stew, some rice, a slice of bread along with a pack of butter, some lettuce, two slices of tomato and four slices of cucumber along with a pack of milk.

He picked around in it with the plastic fork he was given before simply pushing the tray away. He wasn’t hungry. Mother bird had already filled him to the up good with maggots and death.

“ You look like you just saw a ghost. “ Jacks voice pulled him back from his unfocused stare and Jeff immediately wrinkled his nose at his presence but didn’t reply, he was too tired for aggressive remarks. Jack took his silence as an invitation and nonchalantly sat down at the table. His table. His corner.  
Jack’s crew sat down as well, causing a loud sigh to leave the killer.

“ No need to be all pissy, Jeffy, we come in peace! “ Jack grinned, taking his place across from him. Jeff scoffed, “ Don’t call me that. “

“ What’s your deal? Dropped the soap in the shower, hmm? Did you get it up the ass this morning, Woods? “ Jack hummed making his friends snicker.

The killer gave him another glare and oh, if looks could kill. “ You wish you fucking sleaze. Aren’t you a pedophile or some shit? “ Jeff spat back, Jack seemed less bothered by the comment than his pack of followers. He just smiled as if nothing had ever amused him more and it gave Jeff an eerie feeling.

Jeff picked up the bread slice, ran a thin coat of butter over it and hesitantly put it to his lips.  
Despite being hungry as a wolf feeding a body that has no future seemed so unnecessary.

One bite, two bites.. three.

“ What’s that? “ Jack pointed to Jeff’s sleeve, having put his arm on the table next to the tray without thinking much about it. “ Is that blood? “

Jeff looked down at his white jumpsuit that sure enough had dried blood on the hem. He suddenly felt embarrassed, like a kid getting caught doing mischief and he put the sandwich down on his tray again, swallowing the dry bite he had been savoring in his mouth. 

“ Yeah, it’s whatever. “ He tugged his sleeve down, grabbing the hem between his thumb and finger with a frown. “ Had a nosebleed. “

He wasn’t sure why he was lying, no one at the table would mourn his self perpetuating hell. Perhaps it was a reflex, lying to his family was more common than many would be led to believe. Of course the lie wasn’t anything of quality but his company seemed unbothered. Everyone except Jack of course, Jack who reached across the table to grab Jeff’s wrist, in which Jeff instinctively recoiled within the blink of an eye.

Uncomfortable, and without a word, Jeff grabbed the tray with food mostly untouched and left the table In a haste. He threw the food in the bin and hurried back to his cell. Normally he’d be allowed to watch a movie along with the others in his block tonight, but he wasn’t feeling it.  
He wanted to hide again.  
He had to hide again.


	12. Self destruction

“ Not talking today, huh? “

Jeff glanced at the clock, 15 minutes had passed since the session started and he hadn’t said a word, there was a gloomy tiredness hanging in the room. Outside the window the snow was falling, silencing the world.

With a weary sigh Logan broke the silence again, “ You’ve been here for six months now, how do you feel? “

Jeff shrugged, fingers fixating on yet another loose seam on his jumpsuit. He figured if he could pull this jumpsuit apart thread by thread then perhaps he wouldn’t have to wear it, he’d also have something to do, something to take his mind off of things string by string. 

He didn’t know how to feel. As the snow fell outside the window he felt safe, remembering the hellish winters in cold sheds he had broken into and huddling together in someone’s stolen jacket wondering if he’d ever wake up if he shut his eyes. He’d miss the summers though. Laying in the grass without a care in the world and how sleeping outside wasn’t much to worry about but rather something almost pleasant.

Him and Liu used to take naps on the trampoline during the summers, more often than not waking up with a sunburn. He smiled a little at the memory. Liu would be covered in freckles during summer, dots that matched his ginger hair and patterned his skin like stars on the night sky.

“ The correctional officers forwarded to me that you’ve been lacking an appetite for the past weeks as well as sleeping a lot during the day, how are you feeling? “ The doctor seemed desperate to pick up a dialogue between the two, Jeff raised an eyebrow at that seeing as he usually would let him be quiet when speaking didn’t seem important enough.

Jeff leaned his head back, letting it rest against the back of the seat as his eyes met the ceiling. “ I’m fine, I haven’t been sleeping well but it’s whatever.. “ Jeff stated quietly.  
The nightmares came and went, but the worst part was the cravings for pain. The cravings to hurt and to be hurting. Feeling hungry made him feel something at least, it was easier to get away with. Hurting himself that way didn’t show on the outside, but he was starting to waste away again, looking like he did being homeless and on the run as a wanted serial killer.

Underneath the white jumpsuit his skin was pulling tight around damned bones. His cheeks starting to sink in to match the dark circles underneath ice blue eyes.  
It was getting noticeable.

He didn’t know when the last time he ate was, he didn’t bother. He tried to count the hours, had it been yesterday? The day before yesterday? The days were merging together, like slime it passed on slowly.  
He just wanted to die.

“ Yes, depression and insomnia are especially common in prison, though I have no doubt this is something that’s been lingering for a long time, way before you came here. Am I correct? “ Logan tapped his pen against his notebook in thought, watching Jeff shift in his chair. Taking it as a quiet yes Logan nodded.

“ There are options, Jeffrey.. You just have to be willing to try them. I guess we could start with raising the dosage of your meds.. “

” Whats the use, Doctor? I am here to die. “ Spite danced on Jeff’s suddenly sharp words, his thread picking coming to a stop as he continued his sentence. “ Why waste the resources? “

Logan raised an eyebrow, leaning forward a bit. “ Do you feel like coming here is a waste of resources? “

Jeff scoffed, shrugging. “ Of fucking course it is, Doctor. What would people think if they knew you’re giving free psychiatry to a serial killer on death row, hmm? “ Jeff leaned forward, closing in the distance between the two that were still separated by a table. “ Free psychiatry for a deranged man while the general public pay thousands just to feel okay.. “

Logan smiled, crossing his legs. “ I’m here to help the general public understand you. “

“ What is there to be understood, Doctor? “ Jeff frowned, shifting in his chair before he in a mocking voice began to speak, “ Teenage boy with sociopathic tendencies, grew up to play the main character in a fucking shitshow and everyone was too fucking self absorbed to give a shit? “ Jeff’s eyes narrowed down at the doctor, disgust laying like a mask on his scarred face.

“ Where was the fucking understanding when the fucking cunts at school beat the fuck out of me for simply existing? Or what about dad? Where was the fucking care for how I was feeling when dad almost broke my arm in an argument? “

Jeff’s voice was raised now, but it was tired and soon the mask of disgust slipped off to reveal a face of emptiness, despair.

“ I don’t fucking care anymore.. Let me just give up in peace. “ Jeff muttered. Had it not been for the cuffs he would’ve wrapped his arms around himself, he didn’t know whether he wanted to soothe himself or just warm himself. Perhaps both. He was cold to the bone.

Logan eyed him up and down and the room fell empty for a minute as the psychiatrist scribbled down some notes. “ I’m keeping a close eye on you. Let’s end the session here. “

Jeff shifted, surprised that the session was cut short but he stood, not saying a word as he walked out of the room quietly to meet the guard outside.

He was back to building puzzles in the common area, sat around a table in silence as cold fingers placed piece after piece.  
To a beginning he did it to pass time, now he was genuinely enjoying it. Watching the pieces come together to form a picture.

“ Ye’ might only be 5’7 but ye’ cast long shadows. “ The familiar voice of Jack was heard behind him, Jeff turned his head to face him, watching him sit down next to him.  
Jeff said nothing, but instead watched as Jack grabbed a piece of the puzzle to place on the board.

“ So they say.. “ He finally replied after the moment of silence, not looking at the taller man that was for once alone. He let his hands drop to his lap, hiding them under the table.

He didn’t like the other killers presence.

“ Why don’t you leave me alone? “ Jeff asked, keeping his tone hushed to avoid startling the guards placed around the room. Jack grinned and simply shrugged, stating with a satisfied smile, “ You’re interesting. We’re very similar. “

“ Not really.. “

He picked up another piece of the puzzle and put it down, tired eyes scanning over the image to be.

“ Being a convicted murderer isn’t a personality trait, you don’t know shit about me and I intend to keep it that way. “ Jeff continued, connecting another piece before tiredly placing his hands in his lap.

Jack grinned widely, placing a hand on Jeffs knee, giving it a squeeze just to have his grin fade as fast as it appeared.  
Jeff just froze, disconnecting his mind from his body for a split second. Fuck.

“ When was the last time you ate? “ Jack sounded concerned. Jeff didn’t reply, instead he shakily picked up another piece of the puzzle and placed it down on the board as if on auto pilot.

He finally remembered: Breakfast yesterday. It was closing in on dinner time.

Jack sighed loudly, letting go of the leg hidden safely under a baggy prison overall.

“ I have to die before they kill me. “

Jeff’s voice was quiet, shaky as he forced the words out. He didn’t pry his eyes from the board forming the picture of a goose standing in tall grass.

“ I can’t let them kill me. “

Sensing the sudden uprise of anxiety in Jeff Jack placed a hand on his lower back, feeling his spine stick out like a necklace made of pearls protected by fragile skin.

The scarred killer cringed at the feeling of warmth rather than letting it ground him and with a look of panic he stood up hastily, eager to get away from the touch of the killer clown.

A bit too fast.

With tunnel vision Jeff toppled over, the world going black for a second as he instead crashed to the floor in which he immediately sat up again. Everyone had turned their head now, watching Jeff sit dumbfounded on the floor with a look of confusion.

“ You okay, dude? “ Jack stood, reaching a hand out for Jeff. Guards were looking over now but Jeff raised a hand, giving a clear signal before he hesitantly grabbed Jacks hand to stand, feeling his blood pressure dip again.

“ Maybe I’m just getting sick, it’s okay! “ Jeff croaked, quickly letting go of Jack’s hand.

“ You are not okay. “ Jack’s voice was stern and Jeff was starting to feel cornered. Jack reached out again, grabbing a tight hold of Jeff’s upper arm before he could escape it. “ I can almost reach around your fucking arm, I thought you were doing better. “

Jeff instinctively pulled his body away as he always did, the clowns touch burning into his skin through the jumpsuit, perhaps his grip would leave a handprint shaped burn mark right above his elbow.

Realizing he was getting nowhere he instead turned aggressive, sneering a loud “ What the fuck? Let me go, fuckface! “ Making the guards look up again.

“ Cut it out, Grossman! “ one of the CO’s yelled across the room, much to Jeff’s relief Jack did as told and let his arm go, but the eye contact remained.  
The pair sat back down by the puzzle, Jeff being followed by Jack that was far too intrigued by the scarred face to let go.

Jeff just sighed, letting his head rest in his hands.

“ You eat at my table during tonight’s dinner, Woods. “

“ Oh fuck off.. “


	13. Breathe

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> !!WARNING!!  
> This chapter contains sexual assault and the subject of suicide.  
> Read with caution and take care of yourself.<3

Oh for fucks sake. Jeff thought as he heard Jack chuckle behind him.

“ Pleasure seeing you here! “ Grossman exclaimed, making Jeff turn his head to glare at him over his shoulder. He didn’t reply. Instead he wrapped his towel around himself tighter, rolling his eyes at the other killer that was nonchalantly unzipping his prison jumpsuit, taking only the top off and tying it around his waist, he then proceeded to take his undershirt off, leaving him completely shirtless.

He was toned, tattoos from head to toe and a large scar on his lower right side, a possible stab wound Jeff concluded from a quick peek before he proceeded to look away. He didn’t want to care for the other, despite his bothering presence.

“ Ahw, you don’t even care to watch? “ Jack asked with a playfully whiny tone to his voice. Jeff just rolled his eyes, once again avoiding a conversation and with hunched shoulders he turned his back to him to collect his folded clothes he had left on a counter.

One wasn’t used to disrespect.

Jack huffed, taking a quick step forward and before Jeff could react Jack grabbed his arm harshly, turning the killer around to face him.

“ Hey-! “ Jeff wobbled but was quick to push away out of instinct. Eyes wide as he tore himself from the grip at the same time, earning scratch marks from Jack’s untrimmed nails.

Quick to back up Jeff quickly collected his things. Pushing past a cackling Jack to escape the room, but before he could leave Jack grabbed him again and shoved him back to his previous spot, causing him to drop his things to save the towel that was the only thing covering him.

“ Look kid, I’m no longer in the mood to play some fuckin’ games. “ Jack huffed, tightening the grip of Jeff’s arm. “ You disrespectful little cunt.. “

Where the hell were the fucking guards?

“ Let me go you fucking rag, what the hell?! “ Jeff sneered, finally raising his voice.  
He might’ve been much smaller than the infamous killer clown, but he wasn’t going to show that intimidation. Adrenaline kicked in and Jeff pushed the clown back, much to his dismay as the clown barely moved, but instead grabbed Jeff’s throat, forcing him up against the wall beside them.

Forcing eye contact.

“ Tsk-tsk.. Perhaps you’d be more soft spoken with a broken jaw. “ Jack cooed, tightening the grip around Jeff’s throat, forcing Jeff to gasp pathetically as he dug his nails into Jacks arm.

How the hell was he so strong?  
Fuck, he couldn’t breathe.

He could feel his face turn red as he ran his hands to pry Jacks fingers from his throat. When Jack loosened the grip Jeff would’ve with guarantee fallen if it wasn’t for Jack forcing him to stand due to a hand on his shoulder.

Coughing and gasping Jeff was ready to throw a rather flimsy punch as black dots danced over his vision, which was quickly detected by the other that grabbed Jeff’s wrist, pinning it to the wall beside his head without any struggle.

“ What the fuck do you want from me? “ Jeff leaned his head back to regain his breath but never breaking eye contact.

“ You really haven’t figured that out? “ Jack grinned, that wide, horrifying grin. His free hand ran up and gently caressed the side of Jeff’s face, moving his messy hair to tuck it behind his ear. After he did so he ran his hand down the killers chest, down, down.. He tore the towel off the man. Exposing him completely to the cold air and he shuddered, immediately starting to squirm uncomfortably in an attempt to get away from the clowns grip.

“ You. I want you. “

Jeff bit his lip, bringing a leg up and finally placing a blow that actually faced the other man. Jack grunted, his smile disappearing as he stepped away for a second, giving Jeff the gap he needed to leave.

Which he attempted of course, pushing himself to the side but was quickly stopped by Jack grabbing him by the hair, this time forcing his face into the wall.

Jeff didn’t have time to focus on the pain of the collision, instead he felt something sharp just beneath his jawline.

A shiv he assumed, often a razor blade melted into plastic, typical prison weapon.

“ See.. You’re gonna be still ‘n quiet and be a good slut, ye fucking hear me? “ 

Jeff didn’t reply, he didn’t make a noise in fact. He just stared into empty space, into the wall, clenching his jaw.

Jack tugged his hair again, making him shut his eyes with a soft groan in pain. “ I said, do ye fucking hear-! “ before Jack could finish his sentence Jeff threw his head back, head butting the other in the chin.  
Could’ve been better.

“ You.. Stupid fuckin’ slut.. “ 

Jack pressed the shiv into his throat, mere centimeters from Jeff’s carotid artery and Jeff shut his eyes, feeling it dig into his skin. Jack grabbed his hip, grinding up against him from behind with a satisfied grunt.

“ I’m gonna take what I fuckin’ want and you’re going to fuckin’ take it. “

All he could do was breathe.

The sound of Jacks clothes dropping.

Breathe.

The warmth of Jacks skin as he ground up against him.

Breathe.

Jack ran a clawed hand into Jeff’s nest of hair, gripping it painfully tight. “ You should smile more, love.. “ He purred into his ear, not hesitating to enter the unprepared killer beneath him that wriggled and whimpered in pain.

Breathe.

Breathe..

Breathe...

It didn’t take long, but it felt like forever. So when Jack finally left hastily, left Jeff alone on the cold, tiled floor he fused together into a ball. Knees to his chest to protect what had already been taken.

All he could hear was white noise and how in the distance somewhere, one of the showers were still dripping.

He was coming down again.

How long had he been sitting on the floor? Was he crying?

Jeff slowly lifted his head that he had leaned against the wall, the stickiness of blood from multiple scratch marks and cuts on his neck, bruises left on his face, neck, lower back and hips, blood and cum staining his pale thighs reminding him that it was indeed real.

Fuck.

He breathed in shakily, scanning the room with a look of confusion. He felt so cold and had it not been for the pain from his stomach and down he would’ve questioned if he was even alive.

Jeff wiped his eyes, shakily standing up despite the pain, despite the fact that his legs wanted nothing more but to give in he continued forward. 

He had to clean up. He had to leave.

Finally up on his feet he practically had to drag himself towards the shower again, turning the water on has hot as it would go. It burned, but it was comforting and masked out the sound of what he would brand as pathetic sobs leaving him as he watched the blood flush away in the water stream. Washing away the evidence.

He was surprised no one had came looking for him. There were always guards outside the shower rooms and his shower time was over at least an hour ago. In the end the deed was done, he felt better being alone.

As he stepped out he was quick to notice the shiv being left on the floor, Jack must’ve forgotten it, or perhaps it was a sweet gift for acts to come. “ Fucking hell.. “ He whispered to himself, picking the weapon up. Quick to hide it in his clothes as he got dressed.

The cold blade made his vision tunnel again, the adrenaline pumping as he hurried out of the shower room and towards his cell, keeping his head down all the way back and despite the pain Jeff pretended like nothing.

It wasn’t until the safety of his cell and his four empty walls surrounded him that he broke down again, the shiv heavy in his hands when he pulled it out from the waistband of his underwear.

Almost immediately he had it pressed vertically against his wrist, feeling the sting begin as he pressed the blade further. A cold sweat rising.

He flinched, starting to drag the blade upwards.

“ Fuck.. I can’t do it.. I can’t.. “

He dropped the shiv again and kicked it under his bed while a small trickle of blood emerged from his skin, barely any damage done.

“ I can’t do it.. “ He repeated, slowly slouching together on the edge of his bed. It hurt. Eventually he laid down on his side, face towards the wall.  
He pulled his sleeve over the cut, not caring about the potential red stain that would eventually surface on the white fabric.

Alone to process what had happened.

“ Dinnertime, inmate. “

Jeff sat up, looking at the guard that had appeared in the doorway of his cell with tired eyes. He had fallen asleep again. 

“ I’m not hungry. “ Jeff replied with a raspy voice, rubbing his eyes wearily.

The guard sighed, stomping into the cell without any hesitation to force the killer out of the bed. “I said, Dinnertime, Woods, Come on! Don’t think we don’t know your stupid little antics, we’ve seen it all! “ And with a tight grip on the killers arm he forced the young man out of his cell much to Jeff’s complaint, the bruises of Jacks hands stinging under the touch of the guards.

“ Gotta put some meat on those bones, fucking hell. “ The guard said in an irritated tone when he let go, letting him walk on his own out to the chow hall.

Jeff’s steps were slow, shoulders hunched protectively when he entered the room and as predicted Jack and his crew was sitting by his table when he arrived.

Getting his tray he scanned over the room for a new place to sit, not bothering even getting close to the clown.

That is until an accidental eye contact was made, locking eyes with the rival made his blood boil and despite his urge to ignore Jack, his urge for violence was much stronger.

The tray of the slimy looking spaghetti bolognese felt heavy in his hands, despite the portions being quite small. Despite the tray being light plastic. The room felt quiet despite the fact that he was surrounded with people. His head was heavy.

Jack grinned at Jeff’s grim expression and patted the place beside him. “ Come sit. “ He mouthed, letting the killer know he wanted the closure he wasn’t gonna get, because before Jeff could control himself he was nearly running over, dumping his tray of food over Jack, watching the meal smear into his black hair.

Had he not been so upset about earlier he would’ve found the situation more enjoyable, for now he just wanted to put an end to it.  
He threw the emptied plastic tray on the floor, and without hesitation he threw one hard, well aimed punch right to the killer clowns nose before the guards had him wrestled to the floor, shoving his face into the sticky linoleum surface.

Fight or flight.

A far heavier guard practically sat on top of him when Jeff attempted to throw the officers off of him, clawing, punching, kicking. He sure as hell wouldn’t go down without a fight despite looking like a panicked animal that was desperate to get away from the grips of the guards when they forced his arms behind his back.

Being pulled harshly to his feet Jeff made eye contact with Jack again and oh, if looks could kill.  
His bloodshot blue eyes stared deep into Jacks who just grinned wide despite the pasta sauce smeared into his hair and blood dripping from his bruising nose, satisfaction in his voice when he said something along the lines of, “ Enjoy your time in the fucking SHU, kid. “

Jeff didn’t say anything, he didn’t need to. His facial expression spoke of the purest hatred when he was pulled away from the killer clown, facing the other inmates in the block that had turned their heads to witness the fight.

Oh, he’d enjoy it.

The deafening silence that awaited him was far more comforting than this.

**Author's Note:**

> Heya! Thank you for reading!  
> Some chapters of this fanfic will be based around some songs, others won’t! This is a fic I’ve had on my mind for quite a while so I thought I might as well just write it, beware. Angst.


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